Rules For Online Dating

DATING IS DIFFERENT Recognize that this activity is not like other Internet communication you may enjoy with family, friends, co-workers, or the ThirdAge community where you are a member--and you are known. If you're "dating," you're more vulnerable.

PROTECT YOUR IDENTITY If you want total control of the information available to an online other, don't use your personal or your work-related email. (Chances are good that a Web search engine has linked your email address to your real name.)

LEARN THE TECHNOLOGY Use the kinds of Web technology that enable private communication without divulging your email. ThirdAge offers private chat rooms, for instance, and they're very user friendly.

GUARD YOUR EMAIL If you insist on using email, consider getting an account dedicated solely to your online dating activities. You can safely use web-based email. Such accounts are available at hotmail.com or through Yahoo!

DON'T REVEAL DATA Be careful about the information you give in casual conversation. An offhand reference to your neighborhood, a school experience, a job location, or a vacation can reveal more than you intend to divulge.

BE HONEST And expect honesty from your online other. Use the anonymity of the Internet to find out about each others' past experiences with intimacy. You can learn a lot by sharing your feelings and your attitude toward commitment. If you're using a dedicated email, be honest about that, too.

BEWARE OF HIGH EXPECTATIONS Sharing feelings across the Internet will accelerate your sense of intimacy, and you will be tempted to build a mental image of the other. Ask yourself: How would I feel about the other building an image of me? Talk about your expectations about the direction of the online relationship.

DEVELOP COMMON ACTIVITIES Make dates with each other to share activities, like playing online games or sharing a forum. Talk about how long you expect to communicate online before meeting.

DON'T FAKE YOUR PHOTO If you decide to swap pictures, send a current picture which is flattering, but doesn't hide or distort your true appearance. Misleading pictures are probably the leading cause of disappointments in relationships that start on the Internet.

MEET IN PUBLIC PLACES If and when you decide to meet in real life, arrange to meet in public where you will be comfortable over coffee or a casual meal. Be prepared if the meeting proves disappointing. But remember, if you've followed these rules, the least you have is someone with whom you can communicate very well.

Keeping Safe Online

I've noticed a larger than average number of online dating stories hitting the news of late discussing court cases related to online daters who abused the system and cheated someone out of money, sex, intimacy, household items, or more nefarious things I'd rather not go into here.

For instance, the Brisbane Times ran an article today about 47-year old Des Campbell, a single-parent widower who claimed to be a childless divorcee to seduce dozens of women into sexual relationships, and who is now being questioned at the inquest of his wife's death.

Although there is no way to keep yourself absolutely safe when meeting people - whether from an online dating site or a random stranger on the street - there are some tactics I'd highly recommend to anyone wanting to avoid these kinds of situations, and they all have to do with timing.

When meeting someone intially from an online dating site, many people wait too long to meet someone they feel a spark with. It's a simple concept really: the longer you wait to meet someone, the less real-world information you have about them. Body language, the tone of their voice and chemistry are all removed from the decision-making process, and in its place an element of fantasy comes into play. Instead, if you meet someone online you feel connected to, try and meet them within the week of first interacting for a quick first date.

The other issue of dating timing stems from getting to know someone too quickly and assuming information not already proven. Fiction writers know the diddy, "Show, don't tell," by heart, and you should too when meeting someone from an online dating site. Pay more attention to what your date does than what they say to get a better indication of who they are. Then, allow yourself more than enough time to really get to know a person before sharing any identifying information, such as where you work or your home phone number. Jumping into something can be a heady, exhiliarting treat, but what if the consequences far outweigh the short-term fun?